Ear plugs, (for his rants).
Some sisterly advice from a young sage.
Ear plugs, (for his rants).
Stress ball, (for when he infuriates you).
Lemon cheesecake recipe, (for when he needs to be placated).
Black nail varnish, (in case you scratch his car and want to retain all four limbs).
Condom and pin, (if you get bored of waiting to have kids).
Bath salts, (if you want time to yourself or if you want to rid the bathroom of 'Steve smells' or if you want Steve to join you).
Scented Drawer Squares, (for his sock drawer - if you ever dare to venture into such territory).
Lip balm, (for when you need to be kissable).
Mouthwash, (for when Steve needs to be kissable, especially post-curry!).
Cotton buds, (to clean his ears out when the 'selective' hearing kicks in).
DISCLAIMER
The manufacturer neither condones the use of the items within this pack nor takes responsibility for their consequences. Should Steve see the items within this pack or the list of reasons behind them, the manufacturer will deny all knowledge and blame anyone else in the vicinity.
6oz digestive biscuits
6oz Philadelphia or other soft cheese
2oz butter
1-2 lemons – unwaxed
sugar. I can’t remember for the life of me how much sugar and I can’t find the recipe, but I’m guessing (hoping) it was 6oz – could be 2-4oz though – make a judgement call…(update: it's 2 oz of sugar for the cheescake recipe - I finally found it again).
lemon and orange decoration slices
1. The base. Pre-crumble, (or bash with rolling pin), the biscuits until crushed relatively finely. Melt butter in saucepan and mix into crumbs. Chuck into pie/flan/quiche style dish and flatten well to make solid base layer.
2. The top bit. Whack the Philly into a bowl and stir 'til smoother. Throw in the sugar, (when you decide or I remember how much you need), and grate the lemon zest, (until you get bored or depending how twangy you like it), into the mixture. Juice the lemon – usually only one lemon is needed but again, you can do it to taste – but note that it’ll get runnier - and pour that in as well; scooping out the pips if you fail, like I do, to catch them. Stir everything in, as you do, until evenly mixed or whatever those pesky cookbooks say. Spoon concoction onto base and spend hours trying to flatten the surface until perfectly smooth with flat knife. Give up when you realise you have better things to be doing with your time. Delicately place decorations onto enticing cheesecake in desired pattern – a clock face style usually works wonders but feel free to experiment.
3. Admire.
4. Place in fridge.
5. Return to find it no longer in existence because Steve found it.
6. Repeat process, or alternatively, make two in the first place.
